shruew's Reviews

If you’re like me you go into each and every movie with one single goal in mind – to count the number of accidental up-skirt shots on men.  And let me tell you, Clash of the Titans breaks all records in that category!  However, there is one scene early on that is horrific…and hairy.  One of the first things you learn in film school is that if you have a scene of an old, hairy hairy hairy skirt wearing man sitting with his knees up on the beach you never, ever pan down.  Ever.  Alas, such rookie mistakes are common in this film.

The CGI monsters in the film can’t decide if they’re crappy in a clever throw back to the original….or just crappy.  The desert sorcerers, “the Jin”, could be replaced with a 2×4 and two christmas lights for eyes and emote better.  (Also, it’s an interesting choice to make the Jin, dressed as Arab nomads, to have the natural ability to be suicide bombers).

Still, the movie is educational.  For instance, I never knew the ancient phrase, “Calm your storm” means to prematurely ejaculate in lieu of death boat sex.

In the end, despite the approximately 1,531,351,647,133 male upskirt shots, I have to give Clash of the Titans:
-907531970513.53197975138 Balls of Fury

Paranormal Activity depicts the haunting of a couple in San Diego by an evil sub-woofer from beyond the grave.  The sub-woofer of the damned harasses its victims by playing low, rumbling bass real loud and occasionally dropping itself on hardwood floors to make a big thump.

Then, the victims cry about it for a good fifteen minutes while we wait for another good 5 seconds of horror.

And seriously, half way through the movie, when the haunting is well established and a big thump happens upstairs do the characters really have to go, “OMG!  What was that?!?!?!”  Uhh, haven’t you people been paying attention?

I’m not sure what the ruling is on telling your significant other that you have been haunted your entire life.  I think within the first month of dating your supposed to air out any STD’s, but you go three years without mentioning that you’ve been followed for a demonic sub-woofer that occasionally likes to start fires?

There are a couple good scenes towards the end that are scary and the actress does do some nice body acting.  But, by that time, it’s way too late.  Filming people crying for minutes on end after a thump in shaky cam just isn’t scary.  Heck, a good third of the movie is actually in fast forward mode precisely because nothing is happening.

I give it:
-13578135789789135789135789135789135.135890135890135908 Balls of Fury

It’s somewhat hard for me to be objective about Zombieland.  I love zombie movies, I love zombie comedy movies, I love Woody Har….errr, I love zombies.

Zombieland starts post-outbreak with a small set of survivors who would otherwise be spending time in gruop therapy for various social phobias and ills.  However, as a team, they can kill aging actors…and more than a few zombies.

The comedy comes mainly from the survivors interactions and third party narration of one of the main characters.  The plot, to be honest, is somewhat flimsy (you’d think people would be happier when they meet another human for the first time in weeks if not months…), but movie with a sub-90 minute running time it doesn’t have to dwell on it’s flaws.  Not a bad effort from the guys who wrote The Joe Schmo Show, Tarzan 2 and the epic Cruel Intentions 3.  And hey, Woody wasn’t so bad either.

I give it:
234782489247896289476246.2460724678247249067 Balls of Fury

Pandorum is one of those movies you know what you’re getting when you go see it.  You know it’s not going to be that great, there’s going to be some loud noises that pass for horror and there’s going to be some horribly designed ship interiors (apparently, in the future, spaceship interiors are designed by the same folks who design CostCo warehouses).  At least the spaceship designers knew they were creating a crap ship and had the foresight to include hand crank generators for everything as well as conveniently located crow bars every five feet of the ship.

Problem is, people who are going to see a movie like Pandorum have already seen it in other movies.

Directed by a German who isn’t Uwe Boll and nearly as good and starring, somehow, Dennis Quaid, the dude who played Angel in the X-Men movies and Milla Jovovich stand in Antje Traue; Pandorum tells the story of people waking up from hyperspace sleep and wondering where everyone went and who these hardcore Raider fans are and why are they trying to eat people.

Let’s start with the phrase “Pandorum.”  It’s slang way to see hyperspace sleep induced craziness.  Who came up with that name?  It sounds nothing like scientific name they give it nor does it sound like something the ship’s crew would come up with.  It’s like the writer came up with the name first and had to write it into the script because, well, it’s the title of the movie.

It’s also unclear why everyone isn’t dead.  (Yes, spoilers coming in this paragraph).  If the flight was supposed to take 130 years or so, how are the Raider nation people still finding people to eat 900+ years later?

Oh well, back to the original point that you’ve seen this movie before.  Take the water drenched scenes of Leviathon, throw in the apocalypse explanation scene lifted directly from Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome (and forget that the guy who is explaining it has no way to knowing what he’s explaining), add in the Reavers from Serenity / Firefly and yes, of course, crawling through air ducts like Alien.  Add in the directing prowess of a Uwe Boll wannabe and you have a recipe for crap cakes.  But, hey, if you like sci-fi crap cakes, you’ll probably rent it anyway.

I give it:
-131378905.1351789135 Balls of Fury

Jeff Goldblum has had sex with Uma Thurman.  As improbable as it is, this is true.  Go google it.  I bring this up because The Fly seems to be popular again.  And, well, because Uma Thurman — HELLO!

What’s also surprising is District 9.  This is a movie everyone has seen.  The Fly +  Black Hawk Down +  Enemy Mine.  Mash it all together and you have District 9.  But, to get it right takes skill.  The skill of noob director Neil Blomkamp (no relation to Jeff Thurmanhumper).

Not since Black Mama, White Mama has a movie so thoroughly mashed familiar grounds to create a new piece of art.  Aliens are stranded on Earth.  And, of course, Nigerians are there to try to take advantage of this situation.  In the future, they don’t need your help getting their diamond money out of the bank.  Black people will oppress you openly in the ghetto, and white people will oppress you with biological research.  And then the sequel is set up.

I give it a superb:

130531790790531790531790531790531790531790531953198908531908531.15387351985170375013750137590813759081357018357 Balls of Fury

Moon is a sci-fi drama / mystery out in limited release.  It can be slow moving at times, the miniature sets look at times, well, miniature, but the movie does have some clever twists and emotional appeal.  All in all, I found it very satisfying.

With that part out of the way, let’s get on to the important part.  The future is looking good!  First, clapper technology has made it to the moonbase!  I didn’t see any specific evidence that the Slap-Chop also made it, but perhaps once it’s out on DVD the director’s cut will surely have it.  If that isn’t good enough, there’s long underwear and dude bulges.  I challenge anyone to find a rosier portrayal of the future!

I’m sure this rating will go higher pending Slap-Chop verification, but as it stands now, I give it:
352436724896789426.2468097246111 Balls of Fury

Public Enemies stars Johnny Depp as Chuck D and Christian Bale as Flava Flav.  Interesting casting choices indeed, so is setting the timeline during the Great Depression instead of the early 1990’s.  Still, with strong acting, and the allegorical writing of Michael Mann, perhaps they could turn the story of Public Enemy and transform it into something a wider audience could accept.  Enter, the aptly named, Public Enemies.

In this re-imagination, Chuck D is known as Chuck Dillinger and Flava Flav is known as Furvis Purvis.  They are sworn enemies from different sides of the tracks.

As expected, the production values are very solid and does a good job producing the feel of the great depression.  Often shot on location where the actual events occurred (even if the events didn’t actually occur there).

The middle act of the movie tends to drag a bit and could be edited.  They make a big point that Purvis needs some Texans to join his squad, but when they finally arrive, they quickly blend in with the rest of the task force.  A few of the gun battles drag out as well.  Most people pretty much know and where the movie is going to conclude, so dragging out some scenes trying to create a sense of suspense and drama doesn’t work out.

Overall, this is a fine movie, however, and perhaps the greatest Stephen Dorph work to date (yes, even better than Space Truckers).

I give it: 351798531.13678913789 Balls of Fury

This film is a damning treatise on the banking and housing market collapse and justice served to evil bankers.  It also has gypsy’s – whose culture always fascinates me.

Too few movies portray realistic points of view of gypsy’s so it’s hard to get a full understanding of their culture through movies.  In fact, the only real fact I had known was from the film “The Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living and Became Mixed-Up Zombies” which taught me when a gypsy fortune teller demands sex, you should provide it.

This movie teaches us that when a gypsy demands help with the default mortgage, you should also provide it, otherwise they will take out their dentures and gum you all over before vomiting all over you.  Good to know.

But, bankers are evil, so they deserve to be dragged to hell anyway.  This film is solid, but has too many awkward moments and kitten stabbings to be a full recommendation.

It also has a highly telegraphic plot twist that I called out, vocally in the theater for all to hear, that kind of ruins the last 45 minutes.  You basically sit there watching things unfold going, “Ah huh, ok, but you’re still screwed.”

I give it 13513.351378135789 Balls of Fury

I had the honor to see this film with a local community theater actor who participates in live action movie re-enactments.  These are the people you hear about that perform films like the Rocky Horror Picture Show live in the theater as the movie is rolling.

Unfortunately, this actor had the role of Doug and had to “pretend” he was passed out on the floor of the theater for much of the movie and missed actually watching it.  The local press gave him rave reviews as “the most realistic drunk passed out on a theater floor ever seen.  Why wasn’t he arrested?”  So, he wanted to actually see the movie and joined me for a vieweing.

Anyway, The Hangover tells the tale of a bachelor party that goes awry.  You’d think the demographic of this film would be males ages 21-45.  But, judging by the kids parents brought to the theater this day, the film is clearly meant for girls ages 6-11.  I mean, with male and female nudity and explicit oral sex, who wouldn’t bring their little girls to see this heart warming tale.

The movie is solid and delivers solid laughs.  Zach Galifornicationakis stands out playing himself as the retarded brother of the bride to be that gets invited out of sense of guilt.  And the chicken’s nuanced performance really drives the point home.

And what was the point?  Well, that hangover’s are bad.  Actually, that isn’t the point because everyone is drinking again by the next day.  So, I guess the point is…. hangover’s are awesome.

I give it 135785317895378913513.531897135789135 Balls of Fury

I have a fairly good knowledge of the Marvel Universe.  So, I know all the script writing process of these X-Men movies has been to chop up the source material, put it in some chili, let the chili sit out in the sun for a few days, add in some broken glass.  Eat said chili and have explosive, bloody, diarrhea on some paper to make the script.

Still, overall, I enjoyed the X-Men movies overall…so what about the first of the many solo movies – Wolverine?

Hugh Jackman stars as Wolverine’s dad, and then, later, as the titular character.  In a tramatic incident, he finds out he has claws and runs away with his brother to fulfill their dream of leaving the cursed land of Canada and go to America to fight in every war from the Civil War through the Vietnam war for good old U.S.A.!

He decides he doesn’t want to kill people anymore and decide to go back to the cursed land of Canada to help destroy the environment by over lumbering the forest.  He also finds a sexy teacher to have sex with and they need to buy new sheets at an alarming rate.

So far, I’m thinking, this has all the pieces of the classic Canada bashing film and I’m all on board.

Then sexy wife dies, Wolverine gets pissed and a bunch of crap blows up and his old secret war buddies come in and out of frame as they try to piece together some semblance of plot.

Unfortunantly, once the movie moves away from overt Canada bashing it goes downhill fast.

Finally a twist happens and Wolverine gets even madder and causes the Three Mile Island incident.  Gambit would’ve helped more, but he took a loooong time to find a good landing spot for his plane.

In between, the character cyclops is introduced, but kept blind folded through out the events as to not ruin continuity for the previous movies that really happen in the future.  All because they needed an excuse for a decapitated head to further pollute the environment by ruining a perfectly clean running nuclear reactor.

Finally Wolverine loses his memory and some kids are rescued by a mannequin who has a helicopter.

All in all, not a very good film despite it’s Canada bashing ambitions.

I give it -13057891370931.315135135 Balls of Fury