shruew's Reviews

Pandorum is one of those movies you know what you’re getting when you go see it.  You know it’s not going to be that great, there’s going to be some loud noises that pass for horror and there’s going to be some horribly designed ship interiors (apparently, in the future, spaceship interiors are designed by the same folks who design CostCo warehouses).  At least the spaceship designers knew they were creating a crap ship and had the foresight to include hand crank generators for everything as well as conveniently located crow bars every five feet of the ship.

Problem is, people who are going to see a movie like Pandorum have already seen it in other movies.

Directed by a German who isn’t Uwe Boll and nearly as good and starring, somehow, Dennis Quaid, the dude who played Angel in the X-Men movies and Milla Jovovich stand in Antje Traue; Pandorum tells the story of people waking up from hyperspace sleep and wondering where everyone went and who these hardcore Raider fans are and why are they trying to eat people.

Let’s start with the phrase “Pandorum.”  It’s slang way to see hyperspace sleep induced craziness.  Who came up with that name?  It sounds nothing like scientific name they give it nor does it sound like something the ship’s crew would come up with.  It’s like the writer came up with the name first and had to write it into the script because, well, it’s the title of the movie.

It’s also unclear why everyone isn’t dead.  (Yes, spoilers coming in this paragraph).  If the flight was supposed to take 130 years or so, how are the Raider nation people still finding people to eat 900+ years later?

Oh well, back to the original point that you’ve seen this movie before.  Take the water drenched scenes of Leviathon, throw in the apocalypse explanation scene lifted directly from Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome (and forget that the guy who is explaining it has no way to knowing what he’s explaining), add in the Reavers from Serenity / Firefly and yes, of course, crawling through air ducts like Alien.  Add in the directing prowess of a Uwe Boll wannabe and you have a recipe for crap cakes.  But, hey, if you like sci-fi crap cakes, you’ll probably rent it anyway.

I give it:
-131378905.1351789135 Balls of Fury