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On This Day in History Repeats Itself

Today, in 1429, Joan of Arc listened to the voices in her head and led the relief of Orleans. 433 years later, the Union captures New Orleans in the Civil War. Just 83 years later, still on the same day, Hitler married Eva in a civil ceremony. And, of course, just 66 years after that Prince William and “The One That’s Not Pippa” married in a wedding ceremony. The Middleton coat of arms is adorned with three acorns (slipped and leaved) which, of course, are also featured on the Orleans coat of arms that Joan of Arc helped liberate. Thus proving, once and for all, that time is a circle set on repeat.

International Polar Bear Day

Feb 27th was International Polar Bear day.  On that day you were supposed to try to drive less or keep your thermostat down a couple degrees.  Which, of course, can be tough to do.  In many developing countries, they’re still building the coal refineries to power their air conditioners.

Of course, that’s not the worst news for polar bears.  PCB’s, which were used in paints and rubber products and banned in 2001, are still accumulating in the environment and causing polar bear’s baculum’s to become less dense.  (And if you don’t know what a polar bear baculum is, it’s literally their boner).

That’s some really bad news.  Especially if it’s your job to measure baculum density.  With the polar bear population hovering around 25,000 as it is the job market is already tough for polar bear scientists.  And if they’re paid by the measure micron of the baculum, that just affects their bottom line.

Kickies and Passies

Today is the Super Bowl, the ultimate showdown of athleticism and sportsmanship in the known universe.  As far as Americans know, this is the most watched sporting event in the world with upwards of 150 million people (a few of them sober) watching.

Some folks may claim that “Soccer” – or American Kickies and Passies as the British call it, has more viewers as the recent Man City v Chelsea match had 650 million people watching it (even fewer sober) — but no one can figure out the metric conversion on that data.  So who knows?

As for the game itself, whether you’ve bet the house on the Seahawks or the New England Deflators — I just want a good, clean game.  Hopefully everyone out there will just have fun.  Keeping score isn’t even really required as that’s really secondary.

And Winner is You!

Assuming you are, of course, Chillybilly.  Congrats to Chilly for winning Season 11 of Ranger Squad Fantasy Football.  This marks Chilly’s second championship in RS Fantasy Football.  He won in a thrilling come from behind victory, because that’s the way he likes to do it.

Chilly is the third two-time winner joining Sarg and shruew (who is, of course, the only three time winner and the only recipient of the Yahoo! Bobblehead Trophy).

Thorn once again cleans up the consolidation bracket to finish third for the second time in a row which is the Fantasy Football equivalent to the Infested Award.

Overall it was a great season with the vast majority of the league in the playoff hunt into the final week.  See everyone next year for the 12th year of Fantasy Football (which is the ‘silk’ anniversary if you want to get your shopping done early).

November

It’s a time to be thankful and grow beards to somehow raise money for butt and ball cancers (I assume for a cure, otherwise….yeesh!).  The extra hair on the face serves as a reminder to have their hairy butts and balls inspected by a certified professional.  Also, there is the wide spread slaughter and consumption of turkey flesh this month.

Europeans named the turkey ‘turkey fowl’ as they incorrectly thought they were related to a type of bird that comes from Turkey.  The name stuck, as Europeans were preoccupied with the genocide and subjugation of a couple continents worth of people to issue a correction.  You can excuse the oversight, though, because eventually this all leads up to… FOOOTBALL!

As we approach  the payoffs in Ranger Squad Fantasy Football Season 11 Thorn, Chilly, Pip, shruew and one outsider are all vying for the 4 playoff spots with three more teams just two games out with two weeks to go.  This is turning out to be one of the tightest seasons ever!

The Time Of Spookiness is Here

October – the weather gets colder and the need for frights gets bigger.  I started off the season by watching Annabelle. A movie that challenges age old traditions that should have been stopped years ago.

No, not the tradition of giving expensive devil dolls to expecting mothers – that’s just common sense.  Everyone knows that on the rare chance that the devil doll goes all evil on you a recent acquaintance will suddenly develop a need to sacrifice themselves for you seemingly out of nowhere with little motivation established.  It’s a cornerstone of the high priced devil doll economy.  (One thing I liked about the movie – they really establish the fact that devil dolls are very expensive).

I’m talking, of course, about cooking Jiffy Pop on an electric range.  It’s a well established fact that cooking Jiffy Pop on an electric range is a silent, odorless, hard to spot killer.  One second it’s cooking – the next – your house is well over half destroyed by fire.  With the majority of all house fires started this way, it’s a shame that it’s still on the market and damning evidence of the Koch brother’s financial propping up of Big Popcorn.

The movie ends with the most chilling thought of all — that Jiffy Pop is still out there.

Waiting.

 

All Are Confirmed Dead

If you are like me you’ve been desperate for weeks waiting for updates on the flight only to by frustrated by misleading information or lack of details.

However, it is now confirmed.  All space sex geckos are dead.  Russia had sent 5 (an odd number specifically tailored to promote heathen, godless, communist sex parties) geckos into space so they can have sex and offspring in zero gravity.  The clear conclusion of what they wanted to gain out of this experiment is to learn how to populate Mars with low gravity space gecko-human hybrids with abnormally high libidos and a passion for deviant sex. After that is accomplished, the results are a pretty cut and clear victory for communism.

Enscribed on the Plesetsk Cosmodrome are markings that may look like drunken jibberish, but is actually the Russian language: “Мы приносим всем секс гекконов назад из космоса! Имеется в виду жив, не заморожены! Где водка?” Clearly Russia was unable to live up to those words and will forever hang their bald heads in shame.

Sept 14th is National Pet Memorial Day.  Although these randy reptiles were not god loving Americans.  Please remember to add them to your elaborate celebration plans.

In other news, I think I’m going to cancel my Russian Space Sex Tour tickets.  Doesn’t seem like it is safe.

Ranger Squad Fantasy Football Season 11

Ranger Squad Fantasy Football Season 11 is here – arguably our most eleventh-iest season to date!

Sign up, invite some friends — and remember, this isnt a friendly competition… we play for keeps!

http://football.fantasysports.yahoo.com/league/rangersquad11

This year’s theme bet is “My Left Foot.” In Honor of the 25th anniversary of the shaky appendaged art film the winner of this year’s league will receive all the left feet of the losers for 1 year. (The winner must return them in near mint condition after 1 calendar year).  Due to the nature of the prize and the fact they are going to be need to be returned, the League has declared that Quentin Tarantino will not be able to play this year.

Good luck!