If you are like me you’ve been desperate for weeks waiting for updates on the flight only to by frustrated by misleading information or lack of details.
However, it is now confirmed. All space sex geckos are dead. Russia had sent 5 (an odd number specifically tailored to promote heathen, godless, communist sex parties) geckos into space so they can have sex and offspring in zero gravity. The clear conclusion of what they wanted to gain out of this experiment is to learn how to populate Mars with low gravity space gecko-human hybrids with abnormally high libidos and a passion for deviant sex. After that is accomplished, the results are a pretty cut and clear victory for communism.
Enscribed on the Plesetsk Cosmodrome are markings that may look like drunken jibberish, but is actually the Russian language: “Мы приносим всем секс гекконов назад из космоса! Имеется в виду жив, не заморожены! Где водка?” Clearly Russia was unable to live up to those words and will forever hang their bald heads in shame.
Sept 14th is National Pet Memorial Day. Although these randy reptiles were not god loving Americans. Please remember to add them to your elaborate celebration plans.
In other news, I think I’m going to cancel my Russian Space Sex Tour tickets. Doesn’t seem like it is safe.